Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Use "feeling words"
Yay
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize