I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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