he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
