I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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