she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
