just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
