apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
