Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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