mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
