He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize