i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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