I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
