my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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