I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
