So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
