I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
