In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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