I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
