Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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