I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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