Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
