I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
