Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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