She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
whose parrot is this?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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