now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
