I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
