You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
