You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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