Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
