Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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