So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
