ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
