Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
