My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
