I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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