I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize