you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
