i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
