So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
