god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
