I'm so fucking centered right now
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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