dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
