I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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