i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
