Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
