Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
