i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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