u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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