im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize