i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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