How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
