I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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