I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
