I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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